In a world where infidelity, affair, cheating, sleeping around are becoming more and more commonplace, it’s only wise to prepare yourself for such an eventuality of dealing with a cheating partner.
Knowing the right 10 questions to ask your cheating partner is the first step in this direction, as it can help you break down communication barriers that come in the wake of infidelity.
But why do I need a list of questions to ask my cheating partner? Don’t affairs and spouses sleeping around with other behind each other’s back happen in bad marriages and loveless unions?
It’d be naïve to believe that you can cheat-proof your marriage when statistics indicate that 70 percent of Americans engage in some form of infidelity during their marital life. Preparing yourself for the worst-case scenario may seem somewhat cynical but it is your best bet to not be taken unawares, in case your marriage is dealt this near-fatal blow.
10 Questions to ask your cheating partner
Everyone likes to believe that a breach of trust as serious as infidelity can never infest their marriage. Until it does and causes the ground beneath your feet shift like soft sand. In such a situation, it can be hard to make sense of what, why, how of it all. Communicating with your cheating partner can seem impossible but is essential to gain clarity on the situation.
So, whether you have doubts that your life partner is cheating on you or just want to prepare yourself for this eventuality, take note of these 10 questions to ask your cheating partner. Not only will these questions to ask a cheater help you cope with your feelings, but also pave way to your healing- right now.
1. How did you allow yourself to cheat?
This is one of the most important infidelity questions to ask your spouse to understand their frame of mind when they decided to cheat on you? What did they tell themselves? How did they decide that it was okay to cross the line of faithfulness?
Was it because they don’t attach much value to the concept of fidelity and monogamy? Or were there any marital issues at play, which they used as an excuse to justify the act of cheating to themselves? What did the extramarital relationship offer them that you didn’t?
Their response to this question will give you a sense of their values and sense of morality. And also help you identify the cracks in your marital bond that may have lend impetus to their transgression. It can be painful to hear how they justify the act, but to make best possible decisions in this situation, you must listen in carefully.
2. Did you feel guilty?
Ask your cheating partner if they felt guilty.
Betrayal is traumatic, betrayal can be devastating.
One of the most important questions to ask a cheating partner is whether they felt guilty about betraying you. Sure, they did know they are betraying you, did your spouse feel guilty about it is the question?
How did they feel after spending an afternoon in bed with their lover? What was their state of mind when they came home to you after a romantic dinner date with this other person? For which, they probably lied to you about.
Cheater’s guilt is real. A lot of people feel horrible about sleeping around outside their marriage or getting into an affair. The curious thing is that they continue to go down this rather dangerous path despite the guilt.
Asking your cheating partner questions about their feelings of guilt will give you clarity on how much they value you and the marriage.
If your partner feels no remorse for their actions whatsoever, it can be a worrying sign for the future of your marriage.
3. Have you entertained thoughts about cheating before?
Has your spouse cheated before?
Whether you’re looking for the right questions to ask to find out if your spouse is cheating or to address an incident of cheating that has come to light, don’t leave this out. Has your spouse been tempted to cheat on you before? If yes, did they act on this temptation? If not, then why? Was it because they didn’t want to break your trust or for a lack of opportunities?
This will help you ascertain whether your partner is the sort who’d actively look for opportunities to get some action on the side or if this transgression was a one-time thing. If it’s the former, you need to accept the possibility that there may have been other affairs or one-night stands in the past. And your partner is someone who seeks variety in their romantic life.
If it’s the latter, you need to pay attention to weaknesses in your marriage that may be at the root of their choice to stray.
4. Did you fall in love?
Ask your cheating partner if they fell in love.
If you are wondering what questions to ask a cheating partner to know where you stand, and this one tops the list.
In case, you have discovered that your partner has been having an affair, the possibility of them being emotionally invested in the other person cannot be ruled out.
That’s why this is one of the critical 10 questions to ask your cheating partner.
And trust me; it is not going to be an easy one- to ask or to know about.
If they do confess to being in love with this other person, you both need to decide what it means for the future of your marriage.
Is it possible for someone to be in love with two people at the same time? And how do you feel about the possibility? Are you willing to accept that your spouse loves another person the same way as they do you?
Their answer to this question and your reaction to their reply hold the key to the future of your marriage in the aftermath of an affair.
5. Did you think about me?
Did you think about me, or about us?
This is undoubtedly the most painful in the list of questions to ask a spouse who’s been cheating. But one that is bound to weigh on your mind. Did your spouse think about you at all? Did they ever pause to reflect on how their act of cheating would impact you? How it would break your heart and risk the future of the marriage?
If they did, why weren’t these potentially disastrous consequences enough to stop them? If they were thinking about their cheating partner while they were with you, were they thinking about you too when they were with them? If your spouse was invested emotionally, chances are the cheating partner was always ‘between’ you – the root of emotional affairs is the constant touch affair partners stay in.
This question will help you understand how passionate the affair was. While it can be heartbreaking to hear it, you must for the sake of assessing whether your marriage stands a chance of survival in comparison to the intensity of the affair.
6. How long were you together?
While it won’t be easy for you to hear the responses to any of these 10 questions to ask your cheating partner, this can be especially hard. Let’s say, your spouse says that the affair lasted 3 years or 5, your life during this period will flashback in front of your eyes. Suddenly, you’ll be able to identify all the times when your spouse made excuses to be away from you so that they could be with their lover.
Perhaps there were times when for a second you felt your spouse was cheating, but you dismissed the thought because ‘they couldn’t do it to you’. Many of such incidents, the tell-tale signs of cheating, and the guilt signs may come to the fore and shake you hard.
All the special moments that you’ve shared during that time can start to feel like a big lie. This question can augment the feelings of hurt and anger that you’ve been experiencing.
But it’s important to ask questions about cheating in relationships it so that you can gauge the depth of the bond your partner shares with this other person.
7. Did you ever talk about me?
Is your spouse’s lover aware of your existence? If yes, how did they portray you to them? Did they use the oldest trick in the book of claiming that they are stuck in an unhappy marriage with an unbearable spouse to win this other person’s affections? Did your spouse promise them that they’d divorce you to be with them? Did your unfaithful wife or husband discuss a future together with their cheating partner?
If their answer to these questions is affirmative, you need to think long and hard about whether it is worth trying to salvage such a marriage. You probably thought you were like a regular couple, but apparently you’d drifted apart to an extent that your spouse used your existence to get close to someone else.
You deserve a lot better than a lying, conniving life partner who wouldn’t hesitate to paint you as the villain to win over someone else.
8. Do you still have feelings for that person?
When caught, most cheaters swear that they’d end the affair and make amends. But does your spouse actually mean that? Or are they just saying it to keep the marriage from falling apart? Asking them about how they feel about this other person becomes one of the most important infidelity questions to ask, as it’ll help you assess the sincerity of your spouse’s promises.
If they still have feelings for their lover, chances are that they’d gravitate toward them sooner or later, despite themselves. Your marriage may not be able to survive another incident of cheating.
So, it’s best to find out now and make a decision that will work out well for all parties involved.
9. What is it that they have and I lack?
Ask your cheating partner what you did not offer them and their affair partner did
This question is not meant to hurt your sense of self-worth. Your spouse chose to love you and marry you for who you are. And so, you should have been enough. Besides, you should never have to changes yourself to be loved and cherished by someone.
Even so, this is among the important 10 questions to ask your cheating partner for the sake of seeing the situation from their perspective. Perhaps, you were too caught in balancing your work and domestic responsibilities to devote enough time to your spouse. This created some distance between you two, making room for a third person.
They found something in their affair partner that they did not find in you- and while there is a possibility that it was short term, it was still something that differentiates between you and the cheating partner.
If you’re willing to give your marriage a shot at survival, understanding these problem areas and finding solutions to fix them is key.
10. Did you plan a future with them?
Be it short-term plans such as taking a vacation together or long-term plans like moving in with them, it is indicative of the level of your spouse’s involvement with this other person. If they were planning to move out of home to live with this person, then your cheating partner has been too deeply involved with their lover.
The affair can no longer be dismissed as a fleeting transgression. It has evolved into a full-blown relationship, with physical and emotional intimacy. In case it has come to that, it’d be wise for you to decide to let go of your spouse.
A divorce can be a daunting proposition but being stuck in a loveless marriage, with someone else occupying your spouse’s heart and mind isn’t exactly a desirable situation to be in either.
When you use these 10 questions to ask your cheating partner, pay attention to how sincerely they respond. The answer to whether or not you should forgive and give your marriage another try lies in there. If your spouse is evasive or defensive in their replies, it’s a clear sign that they do not regret cheating on you and are likely to repeat it. In that case, staying and trying to make it work doesn’t make any sense.
Being cheated on is not an easy thing to handle. Learning how to deal with a cheating partner can help you regain control of your life and help you decide how you want to proceed.
While keying the cheater’s car may seem like a cathartic reaction, this is not going to help you move, nor will it make you feel any better in the long run.
The adverse emotional and mental side effects of being cheated on can stay with you for a lifetime. Being cheated on stirs up insecurities, low self-esteem, distrust, inability to open up, give you feelings of worthlessness, and makes you question your qualities and physical appearance.
Dealing with a cheating partner is emotionally devastating and can change your personality for years to come.
Are you questioning how to move on after infidelity in your relationship? Here’s how to deal with a cheating partner:
1. Take time for yourself
Even if you have decided to stay with your cheating partner and work on your relationship, it is still essential to take time for yourself.
It will allow you to decompress. It will also allow you to collect your thoughts and grieve the situation. If you have chosen to stay together and deal with the cheating partner, taking time alone may help you to reconsider:
- whether you are staying in the relationship because you can become better, stronger partners with one another or
- if you are simply staying out of sadness or
- because the relationship has been comfortable
2. Gather your evidence
Is your partner cheating in the relationship, but you haven’t confronted them yet?
It’s time you look for ways on how to confront a cheating partner. Now is your time to collect any evidence you may need during your confrontation. This means taking screen captures of text messages, photos, conversations, and social media interactions you may have stumbled across between the guilty parties.
This will allow you to immediately deal with a cheating partner by putting a stop to your partner’s lies, should they choose to deny any involvement with their secret lover.
3. Get tested
If your partner has lied to you about being with one partner, who’s to say they haven’t been with dozens without your knowledge?
Getting tested for sexually transmitted infections is essential after you’ve been cheated on. Go to your doctor and ask to be tested. Free clinics and sexual health centers offer tests for STDs, HIV, and Hepatitis.
You must protect yourself, even if your partner claims they were ‘safe’ during their infidelity. Their definition of safe sex may differ highly from yours.
If you have chosen to deal with the cheating partner by staying with the partner, that is, cheating wife or husband, ask them to get tested as well so that you can resume your sexual relationship without worry.
4. Confront your partner
Confront your partner about their infidelity. This will allow them the opportunity to plead their case with you and for you to be perfectly clear about your feelings. Your feelings of betrayal, anger, humiliation, and hurt should be clear.
This is also an opportunity to let them know if you plan on ending the relationship. It goes without saying that if you decide to work on your relationship together, your cheating partner must end the affair.
5. Don’t blame yourself
The reason cheaters decide to take the unfaithful way and indulge in affairs may have very little, if nothing, to do with you. Cheating in relationships is a selfish act in which a person is thinking solely of themselves.
However, many still find understanding the ‘why’ as an essential part of the grieving process.
Try your best not to blame yourself for the act. Often cheating is in response to something going wrong in the relationship. It is encouraged that the partners sit down and have an honest conversation about what needs are missing.
If your cheating partner was depressed, they should have told you upfront. Consequently, they should end the relationship before sleeping with someone new.
6. Don’t put a time limit on pain
Pain is pain. A time limit will not diminish the hurt or betrayal you felt after being cheated on. Grieving is an individual process that takes time. New relationships and other distractions will not make it go by any faster.
7. Decide what you want from your relationship
If you have decided to deal with a cheating partner, give yourself some time to honestly think about the benefits and detriments of staying in the relationship.
No matter which direction you are swaying, you need to be completely honest with yourself about your wants and needs in a relationship from this point on. When considering whether to stay in a relationship with someone who has cheated on you, ask yourself these questions:
- Can I truly forgive my cheating partner?
If you choose to stay in your relationship, can you truly forgive your cheating partner? Your relationship will never be successful if you cannot forgive the act itself.
After your grieving process, continually bringing up the indiscretion and question, “Can a cheating partner change?” will only serve to damage and hurt both parties.
- Can I ever trust my partner again?
Once a cheater, always a cheater. So, once trust is lost, it is seemingly difficult to get it back. Your cheating partner will need to work 24/7 to win your trust again.
They must attempt to quash all the cheaters’ behavior patterns and be fully transparent with their whereabouts and interactions until you feel comfortable and secure in your relationship once more.
It is your choice what avenue you take on how to deal with a cheating partner. Make sure your result is best for you and your happiness.